Random Musing

I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism / Aspergers Syndrome a few years ago after events in my life guided me to seek professional insight into some of my own strengths and weaknesses.
And while I'll readily admit there are rough days due to some of the alleged weaknesses associated with Autism, I don't view myself as suffering.
Sure, some days my sensory issues are so bad I can't handle listening to music and driving at the same time. There are days when I can't handle the chatter of a crowd of people and have to avoid social situations where my differing abilities aren't accepted. (Though if I'm in a crowd where it's known and accepted I may shutdown, I'll happily hangout.)
 But I don't view that as suffering. Because while bright lights and certain noises can be unbearable, I also notice lights and sounds and other details of the world that most people would miss.  I catch subtle differences in things that bring out a level of beauty in my environment others usually miss. That beauty makes me smile, and I thank God for the gift he's given me, the ability to see the world through eyes most people don't experience, and through ears most people will never hear with.
And while I might not be thinking such positive thoughts when the tunnel vision sets in, when my sensory world starts to shutdown because my brain has had too much, it's still a marvel to me later. I get to experience life so abundantly that it shuts my mortal body down. Think about that. Scripture says if we could see God's glory, if we saw heaven in all of its wonder, it would kill us. I can only imagine.
If in this life, living in the Shadowlands this side of heaven, majesty of everyday life can make my body tune out, how much more splendid must eternity be? 
I'm thankful for the life experience I've been blessed with.
No, as cliche as it may be, my biggest struggles are when people treat me as less than a person; when people treat me as broken instead of merely different. My biggest issues have been when people speak and interact with me as if I'm somehow less rational than they are, when they try to hold me back from trying to experience life because I might shutdown, or when they disrespect me because I've chosen to take it easy rather than socialize so I can handle necessary things in life such as my job, which puts food on the table and keeps a roof over my head. My biggest problems are when people criticize, shun, and disrespect me for not approaching life the way their controlling opinion of how I should be living dictates. If I'm keeping a roof over my head, food on my table, and am otherwise happy, you've no place telling me I'm living life wrong.

It's Dead, Jim

"When we Christians behave badly, or fail to behave well, we are making Christianity unbelievable to the outside world." - C.S. Lewis

I loathe this quote. Because it's all too real; too true. I'm really done with church. Or at least, I'm done with the social club that we call church. I have been for a long time, I guess. I just was too chicken to say it. 

Not that I despise fellowshipping with other believers. I enjoy that. I don't like hanging out with people who'll say, "I'm praying for you," on Sunday, but when you want to reach out to them on Tuesday from the depths of depression, you really can't trust them to be there. And if you dare to point that out to them, it's your fault not theirs. It's your lack of faith and you just need to pray harder. It's always turned back on you. Nobody takes responsibility for dropping the ball.

I'm done with that sort of Christianity. I'm done with those people. I'm done with fake. I'm done with those buildings called churches that only serve to give me a feel good rush on Sunday, gospel centered preaching or not, but the body of believers doesn't fellowship outside structured church activities. 

I'm done with a model of family that enables this sort of culture. I'm done with a culture that keeps itself so busy doing things as a "family" unit, that it drops friends that are single by the wayside. I'm done with a culture that accepts that as okay.

Why? Because I have friends that don't go to church. I have friends that don't believe in God, or at least not the God preached from the pulpit, but they find time to be there for me when I'm down. They do this despite having busy families of their own. They do this despite working full time. They do it despite all the things the Christians friends serve up as reasons for not having time to build relationships. But somehow, they find the strength and the time to do what the Christians can't. They rise up on eagle's wings to do what Christians are telling me is impossible. These people that the church would label as bad influences, as publicans and sinners, are a more consistent support than any church going friend I've ever known. 

I've heard the parable of the prodigal son. How he left home and made a lot of fake friends that were there for him until the money ran out. These friends aren't those kind of people. These friends I'm speaking of aren't there for money. I'm broke as hell, but they'll still listen when I'm down, and I do the same for them. I see more Jesus in these people than I ever see in church.

Christianity is supposed to change you. It's supposed to be something powerful, radical, transforming. But the Christ preached from the pulpit can't even make a "hey Josh, we should hang out sometime," follow-through and build that relationship and trust that's necessary for those desperate, needing-someone-to-talk-to conversations to happen. I see more faithfulness from my cat than I do from those people. 

"When we Christians behave badly, or fail to behave well, we are making Christianity unbelievable to the outside world." 

So maybe, just maybe, the Christ preached in those pulpits isn't as real as the carefully crafted doctrine and theologies they recite would claim. Maybe, just maybe, the people who are showing me Christ, despite their lack of obeisance to Christianity, are more real. Sure, they don't do all the "right things." They watch those heathen shows like Game of Thrones, or indulge in a few too many beers, but they are there. They might have language that's too salty for Sunday school, but when they say "I know I'm a sinner, I'm not perfect," they mean it. It's not some platitude that they really don't believe, just recite because it's the proper catechism. 

Maybe all this talk of church being a hospital for sinners, not a haven for saints is just that, talk. Maybe the reason Christ was known for being the friend of publicans and sinners is because he knew where the real people were. The people that would live out love if shown mercy, kindness, and love. 

I really don't care what's right, if I'm honest. Not anymore. I just care who's going to be there for me when I need a friend. Not the people who are going to tell me to go talk to an intangible, invisible being and hope I find comfort in that rather than the God-made desire for tangible human empathy and companionship.

I want to be around the people who will put a real, tangible, arm around me and help me hold on when life doesn't feel worth living. Not people who brush me off, trivialize my struggle, and tell me to pray harder. 

And I really can't see a God who made me to want that kind of fellowship and friendship expecting his people to do any less than come alongside and meet that need. 

Mamma used to sing a song when I was growing up. "They'll know we are Christians by our love." There ain't a lot of love in the Bible belt. There ain't a lot of love in the churches back in Virginia where I grew up. There's a lot of love at Mikey's house on Friday nights. There's a lot of love sitting on the floor in the middle of eight cats with a bottle of catnip. There's a lot of love in a friend that'll message me out of the blue on Sunday night just to check on me. There's a lot of love in a friend that'll do lunch with me whenever he can.

But there isn't a lot of love in the congregations I once knew. 

Show me your faith by your works. Because right now, the works of people who've forsaken church are more real than all the sermons I've ever heard.

Faith - Based Books That Have Greatly Shaped Me

I figured it'd be worth putting this here for those that follow me. This list consists of serious, mostly non-fiction books that my parents, relatives, or other people have introduced me to that had a significant impact on my faith. It is by no means exhaustive, but if I had to pick a list of books that did the most outside of the Bible itself, this would be it. I don't stand 100% by every teaching that the authors of these works of literature put forth. My parents taught me to think, not mindlessly follow a pastor, teacher, or system of theology. Paul said that if even an Apostle came preaching anything but the Gospel, don't listen to them. So I don't. I was taught to let Scripture speak for itself, don't force it to fit what I believe is true. If what I believe is true conflicts with a plain reading of Scripture (in the original text, not any translation, as things sometimes get lost in translation,) always assume your belief is wrong, and find out where the error is. 

• Turn Back The Night: A Christian Response to Popular Culture by Stephen R. Lawhead.
  This book probably did more to solidify my involvement in culture than any other book. In the "only sinners go to the movies and listen to rock music" culture I found myself in in my late teens and early twenties, it was a beacon of hope amidst a sea of heresy.

• The New Evidence that Demands A Verdict by Josh McDowell
  When I turned 12, my parents encouraged me to read this set. Having raised me on Christian principles (act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God; the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, etc) and as I'd made a profession of faith at a much younger age, they figured I was ready for it. Me, I was just curious because the guy was also named Josh. It wasn't until I finished reading it that they noted that I'd been named for Mr. McDowell, not the Joshua of the Bible. The book did much to solidify my faith. 

•  Martyrdom: The Final Triumph of Faith by Scott Anderson and Dan Cruver.
  Mr. Anderson was my Sophomore High School Bible Teacher. He's a genuinely kind man, and I'm lucky to have known him. Mr. Cruver was the Senior Bible teacher at my High School. I didn't know him as well, but he was also a truly kind individual. Though I didn't know it at the time, my Sophomore class was a guinea pig for the rough draft of this book. This small book did a lot to shape my views on pain and suffering and how to cope with their existence, and my life has been infinitely happier for it. Mr. Anderson is now the President and CEO of Desiring God Ministries, and Dan Cruver is the President and Founder of Together For Adoption. 

• Found: God's Will: John MacArthur by John MacArthur
  This book was given to my church youth group for a short study. It didn't make a great impact at the moment, but later in life, I found it helped me greatly.

• Paradise Lost by John Milton
  Read it as part of my Senior reading project. I found it inspirational. I'd never thought about what Christ or Heaven's perspective on my Savior's offering must have been, and when my Sr. English teacher did a dramatized reading of scenes of Milton's epic, it opened my eyes to a beautiful picture.

• The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer
  It was required reading for one of my Bob Jones Bible classes. Oddly enough, it did more to drive me away from the school I was attending's variety of Fundamentalism than the teacher intended. Tozer's admonition to avoid the error of "seeking God and ____" convinced me that the institution had failed to apply this simple principle to its way of life, and no amount of talk would convince anyone otherwise. 

• After the Flood by Bill Cooper
  This book's impact is not so much one of theology or doctrine as it is interest. The beliefs that it struck a chord with were already firmly established. However, the curiosity it sparked was one of interest in history from a Christian perspective. You don't really understand history until you dig in and try to understand things from all points of view. Today, we really scoff - at least in Christian circles - at some of the splits and schisms in the Body of Christ's history. But at one point, they were serious issues. At some point in history, some follower of the Crucified Savior stood his ground and professed a devotion to, for example, the Date of Easter with just as much fervor as we today stand by our positions on politics. It behooves us to get in the shoes of the losers now and then, lest history repeat itself, or in some cases, so that history can repeat itself and justify the fallen.